Journey to 200 pounds

The last 18 months, part 2

2011-09-27T21:41:00.001-05:00

I realize that the last post was more than 1000 words, so I will keep this one short if I can. It probably will not happen, since this is the part where it gets messy and painful and heart breaking.

I left off with my wife's health scares. Lump in her breast, cyst on the thyroid, and a very obscure fungal infection in her lungs that apparently you can only get by inhaling dried chicken shit. We even got a call from the CDC on that one, since it is categorized as an infectious disease. Long story short, the breast lump was nothing, and the fungal infection has all but been eliminated. The thyroid, however, is a bit more complicated and will probably require surgery. But not cancer! Praise Jesus. If you have never gone through a cancer scare, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. The waiting and not knowing is the worst part. You get to a point where you want to know something, ANYTHING. At least you can begin to deal with it.

So this situation caused my wife to really begin to focus on her health. She was overweight as well, though nowhere near as bad as I am, or was. She started eating much better, she got into running, and even her spiritual life improved to the point where she was really on fire for the Lord. It was awesome to see her growing in her faith and getting stronger every day.

Around this time, the end of 2010, early 2011, I began to gain weight again. Old habits crept back into my life, and I found myself more sedentary, less interested in my nutrition, and not enjoying church at all. Spiritually, I was under heavy conviction for some long enduring sin, and I think I started to try to drown out the Holy Spirit with Wendy's and Dairy Queen. FYI, that doesn't really work!

I would get a large peanut butter cup Blizzard on the way home from work every day, eat it in the car, and throw out the cup at a gas station in town before I got home. Or Pop-tarts. Or McDonald's on the way home. Snacking all through the day at work. Cookies, chips, donuts if they were there, not to mention all the candy crap that we make. Fast food for breakfast and lunch. Can after can of Diet Pepsi. The only water that would enter my mouth was used to rinse after I brushed my teeth. Some days I would spend 25 or 30 bucks on food. Then I would eat a full dinner and get ice cream or popcorn for the nights television schedule.

The nice treadmill that my friend Troy bought me sat in the basement, unused. At least by me. My wife was now running 4-5 miles at a time, 3 or 4 times a week and losing weight and getting strong. She begged me to get on the treadmill for 10 minutes, 3 times a week. I would start, do it for a couple of days, but then laziness set in and I would blow it off.

Soon I was up to 371 pounds, only 14 less than my pre-surgery weight. I could feel the old symptoms returning. Pain in my joints. Getting hard to breathe as I walk. Chest pain that I did not tell anyone about because if I told someone, I would have to do something about it, face the problem. Sleep apnea getting worse. Clothes not fitting anymore so I would wear uniforms to work and then sweats everywhere else. No energy for anything except riding the couch. No motivation to do anything. Unable to shovel snow or cut the grass for fear of dropping dead of a heart attack.

Because of our financial situation and student loan debt, Cathy had to go back to work. I got her hired as a temp at the factory, on 2nd shift, and she worked that for a while and was hired as a full time employee in mid March. The only problem was that she had to start on 3rd shift and work her way to 2nd and then 1st. I am salary, so I work normal 8 to 5 hours. We only saw each other on the weekends, and didn't share a bed except for Saturday and Sunday night when she was off work. Our personal relationship was rocky, and she was not happy. The start of the job coincided with my blossoming waistline, and the stress of my continued weight gain, the return of the fears that I would die and leave her alone, the physical toll that working 3rd shift takes on a person, as well as the separation from the normal routine of family life, and the constant broken promises I made were the final straws for my wife.

On June 20th she told me she wanted to separate. This wasn't the first time I had heard something like this from her, but it was the first time where I realized that she meant it. I had neglected my responsibilities as a man, husband and father long enough, and she could not take it anymore. I asked (begged) if we could go to counseling with our pastor. She said she would give it 1 month. We went together 1 time, and she went 3 times on her own. I met with my pastor every week alone. Four weeks later she told me that she was going through with the separation, and on August 30th, she moved out of our house into an apartment in town.

Part 3 in a couple of days.

The last 18 months, in 1000 words or less - Part 1

2011-09-27T11:48:00.000-05:00

Already some of you who have been with me from the beginning back in October '09 are posting comments about how I am doing, where have I been, what's new, etc...
So in the spirit of full disclosure, here comes the story.

When we last spoke, I had just returned from family vacation to Disney World. Things were looking up.
I had been exercising, I was pretty focused on my nutrition, and life was improving.

At least that is how things appeared.

I have been giving some thought to how to discuss what has been going on in my life over the last 18 months, and how to relate that to my still sizable waistline. Since I am by no means a good writer, I have decided to cheat a bit and rely on my old friend from business emails - bullet points.

So bear with me as I condense my life into 5 or 6 little dots... Here we go.

October 21st, 2009 - Day of my surgery. Two weeks before surgery I weighed 385. Lost weight during the liquid diet prior to surgery, but for accounting purposes I go with 385 as my surgery date weight.
October 23rd, 2009 to March 25th, 2010 - Read all about it in previous posts on this blog. Lots of fun stuff for the whole family (except where I use the F word a lot, sorry about that. If I get time, I will go back and edit all the profanity out)
March 26th, 2010 to present - Here is where the bullet point format may in fact fail me. I know! Bullet points under the bullet points!

April 2010 to August 2010 - I kind of dabbled with the whole weight loss process during this time period. Life got very complicated at the beginning of May. My immediate supervisor quit abruptly, leaving me with a lot of his responsibilities (none of the pay however). The factory where I work went live on SAP, and I was part of the market acceptance team for the launch. Fancy words for testing every system, 9 hours a day for 5 weeks, then going to the plant and work for another 5 hours each day. Lots of fast food and crap eating, no sleep, high stress, and overall a very negative work/life balance. Didn't see my family at all that summer, and it took a toll on my marriage. To top it off, our financial situation deteriorated to the point where we lost our home, and moved into a rental in town. Better house in a nicer neighborhood, but the stress of the foreclosure further weakened my marriage, and caused me to continue to stress eat, in an effort to find something. Now I know what I was looking for was God, but that is a story for another time. I did manage to get a fill at the end of August, and weighed in at 356 at that appointment for a total weight loss of 29 pounds in 8 months. Not exactly what I was planning to have happen, but I did not utilize the tools available to me, I did not make an effort to change my diet, exercise or go to the Lap Band support groups that are available. I ignored the incredible gift I was given. And I was oblivious to the gathering storm.

September 2010 to June 2011

Moved into the rental on 9/15, and in the beginning, things seemed to get better. My wife liked the new house, and my daughters loved having a park right across the street and they made new friends with the other kids in the neighborhood.
November 2010 - I do not recall the exact date, sometime right before Thanksgiving I think, my wife called me early in the morning. I was almost at work. She told me that she was having a terrible pain in her side, she could not take a deep breath, and something was definitely wrong. When I got home, she was in such obvious pain that we went right to the hospital. They did the full battery of tests, and we were hit with a triple play of worry. A mass in her lung, a growth on her thyroid and something in her breast. Of course, the first thing you think of is cancer, and we had to go through about 6 weeks of not knowing before we found out what these things were. No cancer anywhere, thank God, but still a couple of serious issues to deal with.

I will pick this up in a later post.

Attention Seasoned Bloggers

2011-09-24T22:48:00.002-05:00

How do I get one of those cool weight tracker things on my blog?

Goals from the past, still relevant today

2011-09-23T18:17:00.003-05:00

I originally posted this on Sunday, October 25, 2009 - only 4 days after I had the Lap Band surgery. As I re-read my blog over the last couple of days, I realized that they all pretty much still apply. So I feel like it would benefit me to post them again, and start meditating on why I want to lose weight a bit more than how I will lose weight.
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Now that the surgery is over, I have been thinking about what kind of goals to set. It's important to have goals, right? How can you get somewhere if you don't know where you are going??? At work, we set goals all the time for improvement projects, productivity improvements, utilization ratios, effeciency, etc. These goals all follow the S.M.A.R.T. format. You know, specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time bound? Or something like that. Anyway, these goals I am laying out here are nothing like that.

I want to wear my wedding ring again.
I want to be able to fit in an airline seat.
I want to go to the movies and actually talk with my family before the show starts instead of shoving popcorn and candy down my throat.
I want to fit in a movie theatre seat.
I want to sit in a cheap lawn chair without fear of a catastrophic (and embarrasing) collapse. It's happened more than I care to mention.
I want to never set foot in the Big and Tall store again.
I want to walk 18 holes of golf.
I want to play golf more and not be exhausted by the 4th hole - even while in a cart.
I want to be physically strong again.
I want to not worry about whether a restaurant has booths or chairs.
I want to go sledding with my kids.
I want to be able to easily attend to basic hygienic requirements.
I want to be able to make a complete walk around the factory floor without having to stop to catch my breath and rest my back.
I want to stop worrying that people think I am a slob.
I want people I don't really know or like to stop calling me Big Guy. I hate that.
I want to take my shirt off at a public pool or beach and not worry that a bunch of animal rights wackos will try to roll me back in the water.
I want my kids to be unashamed of the way their dad looks.
I want my wife to be unashamed of the way her husband looks.
I want to wear pants that actually fit all the way down to my feet. Big waist means baggy legs.
I want to have energy. I want to feel good. I want to feel good about my body.
I want to make more friends.
I want to tear down the wall I erected. I want to put the fat suit away for good.
I want to LIVE!

Picture Time

2011-09-23T17:59:00.000-05:00

Here are a couple of photos, taken today, that show me at 335 lbs. At my heaviest I was 385, and I will look for pictures at that weight and post them when found. In the mean time, here I am as of today. I am thinking I will post a picture on the same day every month.

First real post in 18 months and I admit that I cry...

2011-09-21T22:18:00.001-05:00

All I can say is thank God for the Lap Band because today was the high priest of emotional eating trigger days!
Stress from work. Long day. Kids crying hysterically because they want their mom to move back in. Got in a big fight with the wife just now. Really want the ice cream or bag of Oreo's but with the latest adjustment on my band, I could eat it but it would hurt like hell and I would just throw it all up and that is not something I want to repeatedly experience. So instead I find myself wanting to cry.

When I really started chasing God in July, I prayed a whole bunch of times for Him to take my heart of stone and give me a soft heart. Well, I think I got the 2 for 1 special because where I once was cold, unfeeling, and uncaring I am now finding myself getting emotional very easily. Not crying at Lifetime Movie of the Week emotional, but a strong emotional response to things. A certain worship song moves me to tears every time, and I do mean EVERY time. A friend on Facebook has a child in the hospital, and I actually felt really sad for her (new for me, and I kind of liked it!) And when my girls are sad, it rips me in pieces.

But most of all I am grieving my marriage. Long story, not going into it here and now, but lets just say lots of pain the last few months. All of which would normally have me hitting the drive through or the frozen aisle at the store. Now I feel something has changed. Something having to do with God driving my life in a big way towards being the man He wants me to be, and is calling me to step it up. So I listen to Him, trust in Him and know that in the end, there will be victory.

Well, I am spent so I must go to bed, read some scripture, and lights out. Another long day tomorrow.

Blessings!

Wow, has it really been 18 months since I last blogged?

2011-09-20T22:35:00.001-05:00

Well, where to begin? Didn't I ask that very same question way back in 2009 when I started this whole ordeal?

Lots of things have happened since I last posted, and I want to get them all out there, but now is not the time. It is late, I am tired, and I just spent 2 hours trying to figure out how to log back into a blog that I have not touched in a year and a half.

Rest assured, you will get all the gory details in due time.

Until then,
Scott

Good to be home

2010-03-25T18:34:00.000-05:00

Hi everybody! Just got back from the happiest place on earth - Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida. Except I did not see many happy people. What I did see was a lot of people trying to control, cojole, and endlessly dominate their kids. So much to see and do, and parents all over the place pissed off because their kid wants to stop and look at a bush shaped like Dumbo. Kind of made me sad for them.

Also saw a lot of very fat people. Lots of otherwise perfectly healthy looking people riding around the park on those scooter chair thingies. Eating a fucking Mickey Mouse ice cream bar. Or noshing on a giant smoked turkey leg. Those turkey leg stands are all over the place. Disney must own a turkey farm or something. I think we are in trouble as a nation if we continue to eat like we do. I met a few people from other countries (Thailand, China, Uruguay and Puerto Rico) and they all seemed to be normal when it came to food. Americans were all worried about when the next meal is coming. I heard it many times waiting in line for attractions. Where are we going to eat? What do you want to do for lunch? I think for Americans the eating is more of a part of the trip than the actual location and attractions.

Anybody who has ever been to Disney World can tell you that you walk to a bus stop, then walk to the park, then you walk some more to get to a ride, then you stand in line, walk a little, stand some more, and then finally get on a ride. Did I mention that at the end of the day when you are sunburn, dehydrated, exhausted and your feet are throbbing, you get to walk back to the bus and then from the bus to your hotel. At the hotel, you get to walk from your room to the food court. There is a lot of walking.

I am happy to report that as one of the aforementioned fat people, I did not require the services of a power chair. As a matter of fact, I did pretty terrific with all the walking. My feet hurt at times, but overall I kicked Disney Worlds' ass!! The 50 pounds I have lost, along with the training I have been doing on my new treadmill (thanks again Troy!! You da man!) I was able to motor around the parks like machine. I would not have been able to do that last year at this time, and I am pretty proud of myself.

5K training, week 1

2010-03-02T17:01:00.000-06:00

Completed week 1 of my training program for the 5k in June. I bought some new shoes over the weekend, and they are fricking awesome. I went to a specialty place that caters to runners, and had a gait analysis done. I have flat feet, and I over-pronate when I walk, so the people at the store recommended a motion control shoe. They hold your foot in place and provide an arch support.

Wow, they work good. I feel like my whole body is back in alignment. My legs and knees and ankles were always in pain from being fat. Now the pain is in a different spot on my knees and legs due to the different way I am standing. Even my abdominal muscles are sore, and I have not been doing any sit ups or anything like that.

Overall, I am in pain, and I still suck major wind at the end of the workout but I feel like I am getting a little bit stronger every time.

Should be interesting.

I just ran on my new treadmill!!!

2010-02-23T19:36:00.000-06:00

CANT BELIEVE IT! I WAS RUNNING!!

One of my local Facebook friends posted that they wanted to do a 5k in June and they were wondering if anybody wanted to join in. I had been thinking about doing some kind of race, just to have a goal to work towards, but never did anything about it. Impulsively I posted that I would do it with her. My wife is going to do the race as well.

Well now I am committed to a 5k on June 6th so I guess it is time to start getting in shape. I looked online for beginner running programs and found one that is 8 weeks to complete and will have you able to run 1.5 miles with ease when done (in theory anyway).

I got on the treadmill and kicked its ass!! I warmed up with a brisk walk for 5 minutes, then walked for 6 minutes, jogged for 1 minute and did that 3 times, then a 7 minute cool down.

Total distance covered 1.5 miles in 33 minutes. The funny thing is that I was so sure that I was so out of shape that I wouldn't be able to do anything like that for a while. I almost talked myself out of it at the beginning of the workout. I walked for 25 minutes on Sunday, so I told myself that I could just do that again. No need to push it, right? Well, I said to myself, "Screw that!" And I did it! I think I have a runners high right now!

My goal is to finish the 5k in under 30 minutes.

Damn, I feel proud of myself right now!

Thanks Troy!!! Your generosity has empowered me to take control of my health.

Pay It Forward, or "What did I do to deserve this??"

2010-02-21T17:15:00.001-06:00

Ralph Waldo Emerson, in his essay "Compensation", wrote: "In the order of nature we cannot render benefits to those from whom we receive them, or only seldom. But the benefit we receive must be rendered again, line for line, deed for deed, cent for cent, to somebody."

Science fiction writer Robert A. Heinlein , in his book "Between Planets", wrote:

The banker reached into the folds of his gown, pulled out a single credit note. "But eat first — a full belly steadies the judgment. Do me the honor of accepting this as our welcome to the newcomer."

His pride said no; his stomach said YES! Don took it and said, "Uh, thanks! That's awfully kind of you. I'll pay it back, first chance."

"Instead, pay it forward to some other brother who needs it."

Benjamin Franklin, in a 1784 letter to Benjamim Webb, said:

"I do not pretend to give such a Sum; I only lend it to you. When you [...] meet with another honest Man in similar Distress, you must pay me by lending this Sum to him; enjoining him to discharge the Debt by a like operation, when he shall be able, and shall meet with another opportunity. I hope it may thus go thro' many hands, before it meets with a Knave that will stop its Progress. This is a trick of mine for doing a deal of good with a little money."

So why am I quoting Emerson, Heinlein, and Franklin? What does these sage words have to do with weight loss?

Nothing.

These words, and the concept of Pay It Forward, were not known to me until a few days ago. And now I am so overcome by a gesture of an old friend that my mind is consumed with how I can pay his kindness forward. Here is the story.

I have a few hundred Facebook friends, and quite a few of them are old college and high school classmates that I have not seen in a long time, in some cases more than 20 years. However, as I have been posting links to my blog on my Facebook account, I have been in contact, via the internet, with more and more of these people. Great stuff, catching up and reliving the old days. Plus, a lot of these people have been very supportive of my weight loss efforts.

Anyway, one day a couple of weeks ago I got an email from a former fraternity brother named Troy Peden.( I am a Sigma Pi). He wanted to confirm my home address, because he said he was going to send me something. I gave him the address and promptly forgot all about the incident.

Fast forward to Wednesday of this week. I came home from work to a voicemail message from Old Dominion Freight Lines requesting a call back to schedule a delivery. I hadn't bought anything lately that would require a truck to get it here, so of course there is some mistake except there was no mistake. They had my name, address, etc. I am curios now so I ask what they are delivering. "Something from Nordic Track", the rep from the truck line tells me.

Nordic Track?? What the hell?

I head over to the Nordic Track website and look at the product list. Nothing under $700.00 and most things over $1000. I call my parents to see if they bought me something. Nope. Same story from my in-laws.

I don't get it until I remember the email I got a few weeks back from Troy. Can that be what he is sending me? It can't be; I haven't seen him since the late 80's for God's sake. I have to know, so I send him a short email. "Did you send me a Nordic Track?", I ask. "Yep" was the response a few hours later. Then later, he tells me "I was just moved by your mission, I know staples won't save your life without daily exercise."

Holy shit! This is amazing to me. Someone I haven't seen in over 20 years spends $1000 to help me along my journey to health because he was moved by my blog posts.

I had begun to lose faith in the goodness of people, especially in this hyper-partisan, divided culture that seems to be spreading more and more every day. I grieve for this country that I love, and struggle with ways to make an impact. The problems we all face, I used to think, are too monumental for any one man to make any kind of difference.

Then along comes Troy Peden with his gift of a really nice treadmill so I can squeeze exercise into my schedule and I realize that not only are there good people out there still, but one man can make a difference. This man has changed my life. He doesn't know the situation we are in financially. He didn't know how bad my physical fitness level had gotten. He didn't really understand the hopelessness I felt regarding my weight problem. He just saw someone with a need, and he acted in a way that he thought would make a difference.

What a phenomenal example.

Which brings us back to "pay it forward". Ben Franklin spoke of it as his way to do a deal of good with a bit of money. Most of us probably don't have an extra grand laying around to send off to someone. I know I don't. We do all have something to give to someone though. Give someone a ride, pay the toll of the car behind you. Buy the groceries for the old man in line behind you. Smile at someone. Hold a door for someone. Have kind words for your friends, neighbors, family. Visit that shut in on your block. Watch out for people. Do something.

Pay it forward. I will be from now on.

Old picture time

2010-02-13T15:00:00.000-06:00

Hey everybody, hope you all are surviving the funky winter we are having. I am doing pretty good. Getting ready for Disney World in a month, so that is exciting. We had an earthquake this week which was pretty interesting for Northern Illinois in February.

Anyway, my wife and I are in the midst of a simplify the life project. You know, the kind of project where we look around the house at all the shit that has accumulated and that we spend money on to maintain and we ask ourselves why do we have all of this shit? Most of it I had forgotten that we had, like the breadmaker in the basement, all the tools in my garage, and so forth. So anyway, going through the mass pile of crap is a good way to spend the weekend when it is 15 degrees out.

So my wife is going through the giant chest of pictures and comes across this one of me. We were at a bed and breakfast in the summer of 2002. She was pregnant with our second daughter at the time, and I was heavy into getting in shape. Here I weigh about 250 pounds. This picture reminded me that I look pretty good when I am thinner. This picture is good motivation at a time when I needed it pretty badly. There is a lot of stress in my life right now and my nutrition has not been what it should be, but this photo has refocused me. This is what I am working for.

I'm back

2010-01-24T10:26:00.000-06:00

Today is the first time in many a day where I have actually had the mental energy to sit at the computer and put some thoughts down. Cathy is sleeping in, the kids are playing Wii Music, and I have some things to say.

So, away we go....

First things first. Thanks to everyone out there who has inquired as to my health and or mental status. Ami, Carlos, Candice, Katie J., Tracey, my Facebook friends, and all the others who have left me notes on my blog or sent me an email; you guys are the best and it humbles me to know that people I have never laid eyes on care enough to inquire. You all make it easier to continue on with this tough journey. I love you all.

Okay, update time. I have had two fills to my Lapband, and right now I am very restricted in the amount of food I can eat. White bread, bagels, tortillas, etc are pretty much non-edible for me. These types of food are impossible to chew enough to get it to the proper consistency for easy swallowing. I find that they stick in my esophagus and cause me great distress. That is good, because I always feel much better when I don't eat that stuff. I did switch my bread consumption to the Ezekial 4:9 bread, which is flour, gluten and sugar free. It is made with sprouted whole grains and is delicious. One piece toasted with butter and honey and I am full for hours. I highly recommend it for any of you bread lovers out there. It is very good for you, and has a low glycemic value if you are into that. Here is the link to their website. I highly recommend their products. Ezekial bread link

I had my first fill on December 7th, and I was down a total of 42 pounds from the first weigh in on October 7th. Not bad weight loss. I was flying high at that point. But like the old Blood, Sweat and Tears song Spinning Wheel reminds us, "what goes up, must come down". And so it was with my mood, my motivation, and my determination to get healthy. Too much McDonald's, too much soda, and too much Christmas shit led me to gain 8 pounds between December 7th and my 2nd fill on January 11th.

Suprisingly, I didn't beat myself up about it like I always do and completely give up. I am pretty excited about that. The lapband is restricting how much I can eat, but my mind and my will still determine what I eat. And now I find myself making somewhat better choices. Ezekiel bread, more fruit, less snacking between meals, and more physical activity. Facing up to some personal challenges with my marriage and finances that were swept under the rug when I was at my heaviest. I find that I am thinking clearly for the first time in a long time. There are still things I eat that I shouldn't, like brownies that someone brought to work, but I eat less of them due to the band and that is okay.

I continue to not weigh myself at all between appointments with my surgeon. I am focusing on making healthy decisions and knowing that my body will respond positively to the changes I am making. I judge my progress by how I am feeling, mentally and physically, and by how my clothes are fitting (I had to make a new hole in a belt the other day!!!!) There are other indicators of weight loss that I have, which are kind of personal so I won't go into them right now but you guys can guess!!

The one area where I need to really improve is getting consistent exercise. I have worked out a couple of times, but as usual, I don't stick to it. I cant afford to join a gym or buy a treadmill right now, so I am limited to exercise videos at home. The ones we have are either too hard for me or very boring, so I have not kept at it. I am going to really make an effort to exercise now. We are going to Disney World in 2 months, and I need to increase my stamina. Disney World is not a relaxing, lay around and do nothing trip. Seven days of lots of walking in hopefully hot weather. So today I will exercise. And tomorrow, and the next day. Hopefully.

Day 5 and no fast food!!!

2010-01-05T10:17:00.000-06:00

Going strong, just wanted to give a quick update.
Feeling better already. I am eating fresh fruit for breakfast. My body seems to like that and is responding well.
Did some exercise with the whole family the other day and we are getting into a routine with it. The kids are into it and keep asking when we can work out again!

Thngs that are killing me

2010-01-03T10:11:00.000-06:00

Fast Food - McDonalds, Wendy's, Portillos, etc. I will not eat from these places at all this year. That includes salads from McDonalds, chili from Wendy's or pasta and chicken from Portillo's. Even "healthy" items from these restaraunts are a bad thing for me. How do I explain it? It's like a recovering alcoholic going to the same bar he has been drinking in for years and ordering a club soda. You are just asking for trouble. Sooner or later, there is going to be a relapse. So no more going there at all for me.
Sugar - Working in a candy factory makes it damn near impossible to escape this temptation, but it must be done. I cannot continue to snitch a taste of Spree or Nerds or Sweetarts every time I am on the factory floor. Experience tells me my body feels much better on a low refined carbohydrate diet.
Bread and other bread type substances made with white flour - Bagels, breadsticks, buns, waffles, pretzels, chips, etc. I know that I need to stay away from these foods, because I can feel the return of the sluggishness that always occurs when I consume too much refined white flour.
Lack of movement - Not just structured exercise, of which I get none, but general movement. I sit in my car for an hour in the morning, then I sit at my desk for 8 to 10 hours, then I sit in my car again for another hour. I then come home and sit in front of the TV or computer for a couple more hours, then I go to bed. Need to get up and get moving, even if it is just helping Cathy with the laundry or cleaning the house.(doing these also helps with #5).
Stress - You name the stress, it lives in my house. Bills, kids, work, chores, house repairs needed, etc. All these add up to a big ball of "I want to crawl into a pizza box and not come out for the entire weekend." Got to develop some coping mechanisms.
No support group - I need to get going to the Lapband support groups and maybe Weight Watchers. I feel like I am doing this all alone right now.
No nutritional plan - I don't want to use the word "diet" because that sounds like something you do for a while and then stop once a goal is accomplished. The word diet actually has its root in the Greek "diaita" which means regimen or prescribed way of living. However, when the average person hears "diet", they think Atkins or low-fat or cabbage or something similar. I want to develop a nutritional plan that includes healthy, fresh food. Too much of my "diet" is made up of fried or processed foods, and that has to change.
Soda - God help me, but I love Diet Pepsi. But it don't love me.

Well, this is the list. Tomorrow I start to develop my strategy, my plan.

Time to reboot.

2010-01-01T21:53:00.000-06:00

Ah, New Years Day. A time for reflection of the past year and what went well or not so well. A time to look to the future and set new goals. A time to say good riddance to a bad year, and hope for better times to come.

For me, I am thinking that today is a perfect opportunity to reboot. For those of us who suffer from Windows related disease, Ctrl-alt-del is our best friend sometimes. I like to call it the "three finger salute". You hit those three little buttons in the proper order, and your problems are magically fixed. Rebooting your computer resets things back to where they were before you started having the problems you are having. Rebooting a weight loss journey should work the same way, right?

I think so, and so I am rebooting my journey today. Too many sodas have passed these lips since I last posted. Too many trips to McDonalds and Wendys. Too much snacking between meals. Not enough exercise. Not enough attention to what I am putting in my body. Too much processed food, not enough fresh food. Rebooting my life is going to take me back to where I was right before the surgery. Rebooting is going to get me back in the game for real when it comes to my health. Rebooting means putting me first.

Today is January 1st. Today I reboot.

Happy Thanksgiving and other random musings...

2009-11-26T20:58:00.000-06:00

Well hello blogosphere! I have not posted anything of substance in a couple of weeks. Partially because I have been busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest but also because I have been kind of eating shitty and don't want to admit it. Okay, not really bad, but I had McDonalds a couple of times and I have had a couple sodas here and there. And now, with Thanksgiving, I have officially eaten way too much the past week. Oh well, back on the plan right now and on to bigger and better things in the world of Lapband.

I still have not gotten my first band fill yet. I had an appointment last Tuesday at which I thought I would be getting the fill, but when the nurse came in to the room, she looked at my chart and told me "we don't do fills this soon after surgery" to which I replied, "Then why the hell did you schedule me in for it and make me wait 90 minutes past my appointment time?" I was none too excited about that appointment, I can tell you.

Anyway, no sense getting pissed off about it, I just have to wait until December 7th. The Day of Infamy will now have double meaning for me, LOL! I still feel like I can eat way too much, but I am slowly losing weight still, so I guess I shouldn't complain too much. I have noticed that I definately am eating much less than I usually would, so there is some restriction.

Quick Update

2009-11-20T22:05:00.001-06:00

It's been a while since I posted anything. I have had an incredibly busy 2 weeks, lots of pressure at work, sick kids, trying to get my first half 2010 budget done, etc.
I have lots to talk about, but it is late and I am getting over a cold too so I will update tomorrow.

Thanks Lucas for the email. I am fine, just swamped with life and no time to blog.

Saturday update

2009-11-08T20:23:00.000-06:00

Sorry I did not update yesterday. It was another good day, filled with pretty solid eating and lots of physical activity. The weather here in northern Illinois was in the mid 60's, so I got out and cut the grass, put my pool to bed for the winter, and did a bunch of stuff that has been sitting undone for a few months.

Losing almost 40 pounds sure makes a difference in how my body feels. I can now kneel down again, where as before the pressure on my knees made it just too painful. I can bend down and pick up something off the ground easier now, and I have much more stamina than before.

I cant wait to see how I feel when I get down to 300 and below!

Friday Update

2009-11-06T17:58:00.002-06:00

Today I did very well. Breakfast of oatmeal and yogurt. Lunch was a Southwest Chicken Salad from McDonalds, and I just had some meatballs with a small bagel for dinner. I drank lots of water today and even managed to get in a little loop around the factory for about 10 minutes.

Tonight I am going to dig into the Weight Watchers thing a bit to see if I can find a meeting that is close to my house. Tomorrow I go to the surgery support group meeting at the hospital.

All in all, I think I managed to get back on track the last few days after a horrible Monday. I do seem to get hungry pretty soon after eating so I think I need to get a fill.

I have been feeling like I have no restriction on the band, because I am able to eat more than I think I should be able to. My appointment for the first fill originally was on 12/2, but today I called the Dr. office and begged to get in earlier. So, I am now going on Wednesday the 11th for my first fill! Yay! I am excited about that because that will keep me feeling full for longer periods of time on less food. I think I am able to eat too much. I have to go back on liquid again for a couple of days, but it will be worth it.

Big day tomorrow. Lots of leaves to rake, a pool to finally close down, and a garage to clean out. I am actually looking forward to it, and have the energy to take on these projects now. Two months ago I would be exhausted after 10 minutes, but now I can go for a good long time without a rest. I have more mental stamina as well, and I can tell that there has been an improvement in my attitude that I can only attribute to the 35 pounds I have lost already. I expect these benefits to get better and better as I lose more weight.

Later

Weigh In

2009-11-05T20:44:00.001-06:00

Today I weighed in at the doctors office.

Starting weight 10/7      - 384
Weight on 10/21           - 361
Weight on 10/28           - 352
Weight today (11/5)      - 349

3 pound loss this week, 35 pounds total so far. Goal is 200 so there are 149 to go!

Getting back on track after the rough start to the week. I am excited to be in the 340's!

Mea Culpa and other things...

2009-11-05T20:34:00.000-06:00

Hello everyone, thanks for tuning in today. I would be surprised if anybody ever read my blog again after that pathetic, self absorbed whiny rant I posted last time. Please accept my apologies for being such a pussy.

I especially want to apologize to my wife Cathy for letting you down. I know that you have gone through a lot this past 12 to 18 months regarding my weight and I want you to know that I am still commited to do whatever it takes to get this weight off. Reading my last post about the mini binge hurt you, and caused old fear and anger to come back for a time. For that I am truly sorry. I love you honey, and I am going to make this new life we have the best it can be. I WILL be healthy, fit, and strong for you and the girls.

I have been reading a lot of weight loss blogs lately and getting some terrific advice.. One blog I found called Bitch Cakes has a great post that you can read if you click the link. I could try to rehash what she said, but I think she did such a good job that I will leave it up to her.

Anyway, the point here is that I have decided to become more publicly accountable for my behaviors. I realized that focusing on the number on the scale is a fools errand because I cannot control how my body responds to what I do, I can only control what I do. Do good things, and the good results are sure to follow, right?

So in the spirit of total accountability, I am going to start posting every day about how I did that day. I am also going to figure out some kind of basic exercise program that combines strength training as well as aerobic exercise and make a public commitment to the program. Not sure what that is going to be yet, but I commit to you all right here that I will have that done by the end of the day Sunday. I commit to you all right here that I will attend every bi-weekly surgical support group meeting. I am also going to check out Weight Watchers to see if their weekly meeting format could work for me. I don't know much about it, so I am going to check it out over the next week.

I also am going to work on setting weekly goals that are behavior based, not based on pounds lost. I like that idea. However, I am going to start weighing myself every Wednesday and posting it here. Believe it or not, I have not been weighing myself every day. I didn't want to fixate on the number, but now I am coming to realize that I need to get feedback on what I am doing. Is it working? Is it not working? Yadda yadda yadda....

Then on Sunday, I am going to answer two questions:

What did I accomplish this week relating to improving my health?
What do I want to work towards next week?

I am one of those dorks who likes to have lists for everything, so I think having a plan like this will help me keep moving forward.

Today sucked - sorry this is so long but I need to unload it all while I can.

2009-11-02T21:42:00.000-06:00

I started off really good today. Yogurt and cottage cheese for breakfast, then some leftover homemade chili for lunch. So far so good.   Then the wheels came off...

One of the bad things about working in a candy factory is the fact that at any given time, there is approximately 600,000 pounds (really, no shit there are tons of the stuff everywhere) of candy immediately available. Now, typically we frown upon the workers eating candy while at work, but since I am somewhat in management I can just go grab whatever the hell I want and nobody says anything about it. The hourlies are all Mexicans, and they are scared of the loco gordo gringito (crazy fat white guy for those of you who don't habla) anyway.

So, I am passing by one of the engineers offices and I see that she has a box of Chewy Spree pouches on her desk. Probably doing some kind of study, needed the weights of the bags or some other such engineering nonsense. I am not sure what they do; it must be important though because I always have to check with IE before I do anything on the floor. Anyway, I stop in, ostensibly for a chat but really I am eyeballing some Spree action. Sorry Michelle, it's not personal. Sugar is a cruel master, and makes you do bad things.

Ten minutes of small talk later, I am slinking back to my sin den with a freshly made pouch of chewy Spree goodness. Out of all the candy we make here at the Willy Wonka candy factory, chewy Spree are my favorite and I have not touched one in almost a month. Five lovely flavors: Grape, Cherry, Lemon, Orange and Green Apple. Orange being the personal favorite.

I quietly opened the pouch and pour it all out into the little drawer caddy thing that holds the pencils and stuff. I looked at the mix of flavors in the bag. Too many Green Apple, only 2 cherry out of about 24 pieces, and a ton of Orange and Lemon. Ahhhh, this is a pretty good bag, I guess.   I looked at the nutrition (should we even use that word?) information on the package and told myself, "Only 60 calories per serving, that is 180 for the whole thing. This shouldn't be too bad."

Long story short, I ate the whole bag in about 30 minutes. Made me feel like shit. It did not really bother my stomach and the lapband all that much, what sucked was the massive sugar bomb I let off in my bloodstream. I have avoided all forms of refined sugar for the last 30 days and felt terrific. Now I remember why. Sugar makes me feel like a giant slug drowning in stale beer.

The story wouldn't be too bad if it ended there. Oh no, there's more. I don't want to tell you.  I feel dirty just thinking about it again. I left work at around 3:30 to head over to the sitters and collect the dependents. I still have Spree mouth going, so I figure I need some protein or something to get my sugar back in check. Now, right down the street from the factory is a Wendy's that has had the pleasure of serving me lunch pretty much every weekday for the past year. To say that I was a good customer is an understatement. I am on the owners Christmas card list. When he found out I went on a diet, I believe his exact words were... "Shit, I just bought a boat"

Anyway, I roll through the drive through and make the best choice I can for a little something to tide me over until dinner. I get one of those grilled chicken wraps, and I was going to just eat the chicken. Well, that friggin tortilla looked so good I had to try one bite. Next thing I know I am licking sauce off of my fingers and the wrapper is blowing around the van as I haul ass down the expressway with the windows down to air out my clothes so nobody can smell it on me.

Now, I get into town and remember that the wife asked me to pick up some cash for her so I take a left at the light to get to the bank. But wait, there is a McDonald's on this corner. For no apparent reason, (maybe it is mechanical, I should get the van looked at) I turn into their parking lot and hit the drive through for a $1 McChicken. At least I took off the bun and threw that away, but still, WTF am I doing? Am I trying to make myself throw up? Do I want to stretch my stomach pouch out not even 2 weeks after the surgery? All good questions, and I don't have any good answers for them. The chicken sucked by the way. Too spicy and there was a big hunk of chicken funk that I chewed on for a minute before I realized it. Apologies to the couple that was walking down the street when I hocked that thing out the window. I wasn't trying to hit you.

Last part of the story here. I get the kids home and start making dinner. Spaghetti and meatballs with breadsticks. So far so good. What is not so good is the giant cauldron full of Halloween candy right on the counter top next to where I am cooking. For all of you out there who binge, you know what comes next. .....Right, the old "Well, I already screwed this day. Might as well eat some candy too!" Which I did. Kit Kat, Baby Ruth, and a couple of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. God I am a failure today. And to top it off, I ate 3 meatballs and 2 breadsticks. So right now I feel even worse than I did after the goddam Spree. What is really digusting is I was seriously thinking about getting some ice cream after the kids went to bed.

I failed miserably today. There, I said it. I was hoping I could keep under wraps, and spare myself the virtual smackdown I am sure to receive. I couldn't keep this to myself, I feel so guilty about it all. I deserve it, so go ahead. Please don't give me the "You will do better tomorrow" crap or the "Everybody makes mistakes" thing. I need someone to ask me what the F*** are you thinking? Do you want to die early? Having a lapband limits how much I can eat at one time, but I think that it will be pretty easy to eat around this thing.

I don't really have any energy right now for deep personal introspection, partially due to the fact that I am in the midst of a giant blood sugar crash from all the shit I ate and partially because I don't really want to think about it right now. God, my mental clarity has gone into the toilet. I guess one good thing that came out of today is I am getting schooled on what happens to my body when I eat bad stuff.

I think I need to call the pyschologist I spoke with before the surgery and make an appointment to see her again. Before I got the surgery, I had serious emotional food issues, and now they are resurfacing. This is going to be a daily battle for me, and I need all the help I can get. I need to stop by Dr. G's office every Wednesday to weigh in. I need to get my ass to the support group on Saturday morning. I need to remember why I did this, and how I got into this situation to begin with. Food is my drug, and I am an addict. I can master this.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

Love you all,

Scott

Sarah time

2009-11-02T20:37:00.004-06:00

Ok, so it is not Sarah Palin, but Tina Fey is pretty sexy too.

Ten Years Gone

2009-10-31T11:27:00.001-05:00

Something different today. I was listening to the classic album "Physical Graffiti" by Led Zeppelin today and I realized how much I love the song "Ten Years Gone". It is a song I have loved since the early 80's when I first got into Zeppelin, and today it spoke to me in a new way. Check out the first verse:

Then as it was, then again it will be
An' though the course may change sometimes

Rivers always reach the sea

Then as it was, then again it will be. Damn, that made me realize that I can be as I was years ago. I just need to keep on keeping on. There will be setbacks, like the river changing its course. But if I keep going, eventually I will get where I want to be. This may sound cheesy, but for me it has meaning.

Ten Years Gone - Led Zeppelin - Enjoy!

Happy Halloween!

A couple more weight loss goals

2009-10-29T20:33:00.000-05:00

I want to be able to wear my wedding ring again. I know, I know, what will all the poor single ladies do once they realize I am not on the market? You guys out there are going to have to step it up a notch to pick up my slack. Seriously though, not being able to wear my band has been very upsetting and I cannot wait to put it back on.

I want to be more active in my community. I am thinking about getting involved in local politics, maybe school board or something like that.

I had forgotten what teeth were for..

2009-10-29T19:28:00.000-05:00

Hi guys,

Today is a great day. Today marks the return of solid (sort-of) food to my diet. Today I ate chicken, rice, yogurt and tuna. Also had some cottage cheese. Fan-tastic!

Interesting thing happend though. After I had lunch, I felt the old cravings start to edge there way back in. We have a group of corporate people at the factory this week, so lunch has been brought in every day for them. Today it was Jimmy Johns subs. I love Jimmy Johns. They had all the good stuff that I would eat in abundance. Sandwiches, chips, salad, and cookies. Even though my stomach was full, I wanted to eat what was there just to have a party in my mouth. I realized right there that I needed to come up with something else to do during these times, so I immediately got up and went to the factory floor. Not the best place for someone trying to eat well, since we make candy, but I did a loop to all the processing and packaging areas and ended up spending 30 minutes talking to the workers and a supervisor. Funny thing is, when I made it back to my desk, I had completely forgotten about eating that food.

Hmmmm, maybe I am on to something there...

Hindsight can be a nasty bitch sometimes...

2009-10-28T21:30:00.000-05:00

Did I do the right thing? A little too late to be asking that question, isn't it? I guess time will tell, and then the dreaded hindsight thing to worry about. I am second guessing my decision again, in the same old counter-productive ways. You can do it on your own. Why take the easy way out? Aren't you man enough to tackle this problem head on by yourself? All the usual BS. I thought I had this crap kind of under control.

Then today I came across a blog by a women in California named Amelia.

Amelia is just starting her weight loss journey, and she has nowhere near the amount of weight to lose as I, yet I can't help identifying with her in a very powerful way. She is working a program called PRISM, which is a diet, exercise and support program that is Christian focused. I couldn't stop reading her blog, because I saw so much of myself and my struggles in her words. Her blogs entries are food logs and answers to questions that are provided as part of PRISM. I read every word on her page. You should check it out. It is damn good stuff. Amelia's Quest

So now I am interested in this PRISM thing, and I like what I see regarding their food plan. And I am kicking myself for not being diligent enough to find this before I decided to have the surgery. And I am telling myself again "You didn't need to do the surgery, now you are screwed and you will never enjoy a good meal again". Why do I keep doing that? Seriously, I need some answers. Who can help me with that? I'm sick and tired of it. I mean, I know my history, I basically admitted to myself that if I don't get something drastic done I am going to die really young and really fat. But first I would probably have been like one of those guys on Discovery Health that can't leave their house without the involvement of the Fire Department, a chainsaw, and a forklift. I was headed there, maybe not physically yet, but mentally I was starting down that road. I had begun to shut myself off from the world. My wife and kids would go to the neighbors during the summer, I would stay home. We have a wonderful pool in our backyard; I used it twice this year. Sledding in the winter? You've got to be kidding! Bike rides? Please... People would come over; I would get really confrontational, usually over politics. I think I did this to push people away before they rejected me because of my appearance, health and horrible fitness level. It allowed me to define the relationship on my terms. My marriage was going to shit. One day she told me that she had "mentally buried" me and was now thinking and starting to live like a widow. That may have been the spark that started this whole thing. I love my wife and kids more than I do myself and I wanted to be there for them. I cried like a baby when my oldest daughter was crying about a stupid fish that had died. What would she be like if I checked out early? I couldn't bear it. This time. In times past I would have that revelation but still continue to eat the crap. I'm not sure exactly what caused me to follow through this time, but I think these last few lines have a lot to do with it.

When the surgery idea first came up, I dismissed it immediately. I can do this myself I said. And then I would start another round of low carb or raw foods or whatever goddam thing that I had tried in the past. Except I would always FAIL. Over the last year, the failures were coming quicker and quicker, and my weight kept going up. As my weight went up over 350, my mobility decreased, my knees began to ache more, and I moved less. Start vicious cycle. Topped out at 384, heading for the big 400 and beyond. Holy crap, that's huge! No clothes fit, got winded taking a shower, couldn't wipe my ass properly, afraid to sit on folding chairs at work, sleep apnea getting worse, broke the drivers seat in my car because I was so big: the list was getting long.

Finally, I said offhandedly to my wife one day that maybe I should check into some kind of bariatric surgery. Boy, was I unprepared for the response. She was wholeheartedly supportive and enthusiastic. We went to an informational seminar and then just kept going on with the process. I have a lot to say about the months leading up to this, but I am dead tired and need to hit the sack. Maybe another time.

I am now 1 week post surgical, and while the recovery is going slower than I thought it would I am now officially off of the liquid diet!!! Woo hoo! I never thought I would be so ecstatic over being able to eat cottage cheese and yogurt. Before my gastric adventures, I would never eat those things. Why should I, when I can have a giant pizza delivered right to my house or I can zip out to the corner store for a pint of Cherry Garcia? What a difference a few months makes. Saw the doctor today. Everything is healing well, and I continue to lose weight. The day of my surgery (10/21) I weighed 361 pounds. Today I tipped them at 352. That is 9 pounds in one week, and a total of 32 since 10/7. I am thrilled with that number, and will be working to keep the momentum going. I am starting to come alive again.

Thanks to lots of friends on this blog, Facebook, and above all my wife Cathy and the rest of my wonderful family, I really feel like I am starting to turn a corner on this thing.

Now the fun part begins.....

Can I really eat baby food? Short answer - NO

2009-10-25T19:57:00.002-05:00

Part of the post surgical nutrition plan involves a week of blended foods. This is supposed to give my stomach more time to heal and become used to more solid foods after 3 weeks of a liquid diet. Since the surgery, I have been able to get off of the bariatric shakes and moved on to better stuff like High Protein Ensure and veggie juice. Also I can have some low fat strained cream soups. As you can guess, this diet is much better than what I endured in the two weeks prior to surgery. Come Thursday, I get to add in more variety.

Sounds great, right? More variety is good, isn't it? I thought so until I really started to look into how these wonderful new food choices have to be prepared to increase digestion and minimize any danger of clogging the stoma port.

The main focus of all my meals is protein. At this stage, protein is essential for wound healing and to aid in body cell renewal. I need to get at least 60 grams of protein a day, but with a stomach pouch that only can hold about 1/2 a cup right now, doing so requires some work. To reduce the number of times a day I have to eat(wow, there is a sentence I never thought I would write) I am planning to try to eat...BABY FOOD MEATS.

I originally chose the baby food route because I can't bring myself to cook a chicken breast, cut it up really small, and then throw it in the blender with some broth and make a pudding out of it. Doesn't that sound disgusting? It reminds me of when my sister was 17 and her jaw was wired shut for 6 weeks after surgery. My mother, always trying to be helpful, decided one day to puree smoked sausage with mac and cheese in a little milk. Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit thinking about that again.

So anyway, yesterday the wife and I were at Target just walking around to help me get a little exercise and also to move the gas around in my abdomen. Well, we started off the expedition just intending to walk around! Came home with a new Wii and about 60 bucks worth of Halloween candy. And I work at a damn candy factory. We have tons of trick or treaters in our neighborhood.

After a bit of shopping, I came across the baby food aisle.

Was it that long ago that I was buying this stuff for my own kids? Only about 6 years ago, I guess. I had forgotten the vile appearance of the little jars full of pureed meat. And what the hell is with those meat sticks? Does anybody actually feed their kids that stuff? They look like little penis' in pickle juice. Sorry, but they do.

See what I mean? Horrifying. I think even rats would turn away from these things.

Ok, long story short ("too late" I hear from some of you). I am now the proud owner of 1 jar of ground chicken, water and cornstarch AKA Gerber 2nd Foods Chicken and Gravy. My lovely wife Cathy convinced me to try it, because after about 15 seconds of standing in front of all the little jars on the shelves, I had already made up my mind to shit can the baby food thing. You should see this stuff; it looks like a jar of solidified phlegm. No @&$* way am I going to eat it. Maybe the cats will.

Sorry baby, I love you and cherish your advice, but this dog ain't gonna hunt. Looks like I am going to need to figure something else out.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

Scott

P.S. I highly recommend the Wii as a way to get a lazy ass of the couch. Boxing is so fun, and a good little workout for the recently couch bound. I am going to be looking into the Wii Fit thingie in a bit, maybe for the kids for Christmas. I heard that is pretty cool.

Some weight loss goals

2009-10-25T14:50:00.000-05:00

Now that the surgery is over, I have been thinking about what kind of goals to set. It's important to have goals, right? How can you get somewhere if you don't know where you are going??? At work, we set goals all the time for improvement projects, productivity improvements, utilization ratios, effeciency, etc. These goals all follow the S.M.A.R.T. format. You know, specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time bound? Or something like that. Anyway, these goals I am laying out here are nothing like that.

I want to be able to fit in an airline seat.
I want to go to the movies and actually talk with my family before the show starts instead of shoving popcorn and candy down my throat.
I want to fit in a movie theatre seat.
I want to sit in a cheap lawn chair without fear of a catastrophic (and embarrasing) collapse. It's happened more than I care to mention.
I want to never set foot in the Big and Tall store again.
I want to walk 18 holes of golf.
I want to play golf more and not be exhausted by the 4th hole - even while in a cart.
I want to be physically strong again.
I want to not worry about whether a restaurant has booths or chairs.
I want to go sledding with my kids.
I want to be able to easily attend to basic hygienic requirements.
I want to be able to make a complete walk around the factory floor without having to stop to catch my breath and rest my back.
I want to stop worrying that people think I am a slob.
I want people I don't really know or like to stop calling me Big Guy. I hate that.
I want to take my shirt off at a public pool or beach and not worry that a bunch of animal rights wackos will try to roll me back in the water.
I want my kids to be unashamed of the way their dad looks.
I want my wife to be unashamed of the way her husband looks.
I want to wear pants that actually fit all the way down to my feet. Big waist means baggy legs.
I want to have energy. I want to feel good. I want to feel good about my body.
I want to make more friends.
I want to tear down the wall I erected. I want to put the fat suit away for good.
I want to LIVE!

Surgery is done, now the hard part begins

2009-10-23T17:05:00.000-05:00

For those who say that surgery is the easy way out, I have to disagree. This operation is not anywhere near an easy way out solution to my weight problem. It is merely a tool that I must use exactly as instructed to achieve the results that I am looking for. Many people have had Lapband or Gastric Bypass, lost a ton of weight, and then, since they did not work to change their thinking or their behavior, ended up gaining all of the lost weight right back.

The hard part starts now. Now I have to follow a strict regimen of nutrition, exercise and counseling. These are big changes for me. Nutrition and exercise were not really important to me before, but now they have to become important. I MUST incorporate these elements into my lifestyle and I will.

My Don'ts

2009-10-18T21:23:00.001-05:00

Don’t eat anything purchased from a vending machine.

Don’t eat while you’re driving.

Don’t eat while you’re watching TV.

Don’t buy food at gas stations.

Don’t eat fast food.

Don’t eat chips.

Don’t drink sodas.

Don’t eat after dinner.

2 days to go and I have Pink Floyd on the brain....

2009-10-18T20:45:00.000-05:00

Sunday night and I have 2 more days before the surgery. Of course, the little fat demon voices in my head are telling me again that I do not need to take such a drastic step. They say, "Look how well you have done the past 10 days on the liquid diet. Just keep it up." I am kind of depressed right now. Listening to The Wall while I write this probably doesn't help much either, but I love that album and it fits my mood right now.

Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn?
Remember how she said that we would meet again some sunny day?
Vera. Vera. What has become of you?
Does anybody else in here feel the way I do?

Who is Vera Lynn? From Wikipedia... Dame Vera Lynn, DBE (born 20 March 1917) is an English singer whose career flourished during World War II. Nicknamed "The Forces' Sweetheart", the songs most associated with her are "We'll Meet Again" and "The White Cliffs of Dover". Never heard of her, but that is a great little song from The Wall.   Apparently Roger Waters liked her because both Vera Lynn and "We'll Meet Again" were featured in Pink Floyd's 1979 album The Wall. They are directly cited in the track "Vera". It serves as a link between band member Roger Waters and his father, who was killed during World War II. The film The Wall begins with Vera Lynn singing "The Little Boy that Santa Claus Forgot."

I wonder how we were able to appreciate these albums before the advent of Google. Guess it must have been the, uh, enhancements that college provided. I always wondered who Vera Lynn is, but when I first started listening to this album you would have to go to the library and hit the Encyclopedia Brittanica to try to figure it out.    Anyway, if you are interested, here is a link to the song. Rather cheery, considering the horrors that were facing England at the time. People just aren't wired like that anymore. Here it is. Enjoy and discuss.   We'll Meet Again - Vera Lynn .

Sorry for the tangent, but I think anybody could always use a little Pink Floyd in their life. The question the song Vera asks at the end is one that I have often asked myself.   Does anybody else in here feel the way I do?   Being so overweight for so long, I have put up a wall (again, listening to that album is clouding my thinking tonight). Cathy calls it my "fat suit". The device I use to shut people out and which caused me to withdraw into myself this past year. Nobody really knew the depths of my sadness or pain, and the fear I had that I would never escape the fat suit. I cannot begin to recall how many things I missed out on due to my weight. I mentioned earlier that I am a bit depressed right now. I don't know why. Maybe because I will soon have no excuses. Soon I will not be able to hide behind the fat guy excuse. Soon I will be have no excuses to not live.

Man, the words to Comfortably Numb are fricking awesome. I have become comfortably numb... That is how I was.

I just found the questionaire I filled out for the Biggest Loser..

2009-10-17T15:49:00.001-05:00

Never sent it in, of course, but I share it today with all of you.

Biggest Loser Questionnaire

Describe your job history. What do you currently do and why are you good at it? I have been working in the IT (information technology) industry for the last ten years as a purchasing agent. I am very good at my job because I am smart, aggressive and can manage multiple priorities. I learn the intricacies of a market segment quickly, and have the ability to apply sound purchasing principles to the situation at hand. I have an analytical mind and that works well for me in my profession. I can quickly figure out the bottom line deal.

How would someone who really knows you describe your best qualities? I think that someone who knows me well would say that I am funny, generous, personable, caring, intelligent, and kind.

How would someone who really knows you describe your worst qualities? This person would also say that I tend to be opinionated, stubborn and intellectually snobbish. I have been accused of being closed minded and judgmental as well. I personally think that there is not enough judgment in the world now. There is a difference between right and wrong, and I stand up for what is right. I guess that this could be in my best qualities list as well, depending on who you ask.

Give us a brief synopsis of your dieting history. I gained 100 pounds my first two years of college, going from 185 at 19 years of age to almost 300 pounds by the time I turned 21 in 1987. I maintained that weight until 2001, when I went on Atkins and lost 85 pounds. Of course, I gained it all back once I returned to the pasta and bread that I love so much. Since then, I have lost the same 25-30 pounds 5 or 6 times and added another 50 for good measure. I start a new diet all the time, and it doesn’t seem to last much more than a couple of weeks. I have tried Atkins, Raw Foods, Vegetarian, Organic, Weight Watchers, Atkins again, Low-Carb, Low Fat, yadda yadda yadda. NOTHING WORKS FOR ME!!! Oh yeah, and I have watched Biggest Loser while sitting on the couch eating a pint of Cherry Garcia ice cream! WTF is that all about? I NEEDTO BE ON THAT RANCH!!

What is your greatest accomplishment? My greatest accomplishment is keeping my horrible eating habits from being adopted by my children. I would like to expand on this accomplishment by teaching them great nutritional habits and instilling in them a love of physical activity.

What personality traits are you annoyed by? Stupidity, conceit, and self-exaltation.

What is something we wouldn’t know by looking at you? I used to be a woman. HA! Just kidding! Wouldn’t that be an interesting addition to the cast? Anyway, I think the answer to this question is that I am a sucker for the underdog and I will watch the movie “Pretty Woman” whenever I come across it while channel surfing. It is my guilty pleasure. I would prefer to keep that off the show. I have a reputation to uphold.

My favorite restaurant is: I don’t have a favorite per se. I seem to eat at McDonald’s and Wendy’s a lot, mostly out of convenience. I like the food at Wendy’s better, so I guess I would have to say that is my favorite of the fast food places. If I had to choose a nice restaurant as my favorite, I would say that Morton’s Steakhouse fits the bill. Only been there twice because it is so expensive, but they have a fillet that is 3 inches thick. Damn! $65.00 for that bad boy. You have to admire a restaurant that will put that out there.

Describe your favorite meal. To begin with, it has to be in a restaurant. I like to have somebody bring me a big plate of great food that I did not have to cook and clean up the mess after it is over. Start off with a nice dinner salad and bread or a bowl of soup. Main course is a 12 ounce Filet Mignon. Right next to the beef is a Baked Potato with butter and a dab of sour cream. Nice glass (or 2!) of a California Pinot Noir with the meal and coffee with dessert. Four years ago I would follow all that up with a cigarette and a cocktail, but I gave that up.

Food is: It’s ironic. At its most basic level, food should be thought of as fuel, energy to power the metabolic processes of the body. Intellectually, I know this, but some aspect of my psyche requires that I consume large quantities of all the wrong kinds of food to soothe some deep hurt that I cannot identify. Food to me is safety, comfort, and too many other things that it should not be.

Exercise is: I hate to exercise now. I used to lift weights and run, but at 42 years old and 355 pounds, my knees hurt too much to do that anymore and my fitness level is so poor that just walking up the stairs at night is a chore. In high school, I was a wrestler and threw shot put on the track team. I could bench press 350 pounds and run a mile in under six minutes. I would love to get back to something close to that level of fitness. I need Jillian to kick my fat ass around the gym and make me do it!

My weight is: My weight is making me scared that I will drop dead and leave my wife alone and my kids without a father. My weight is a constant source of embarrassment, which I push down with ice cream or fast food, creating more weight and starting the cycle all over again. My weight is holding me back in my career. My weight is coming between my wife and me in our intimate moments (sorry for the mental image!) My weight is a source of worry for my folks and my wife’s parents as well. My weight is preventing me from enjoying my young children as I should. My weight is causing a constant daily struggle to do the most basic of physical things. My weight is causing me to feel less than adequate in social situations with thin people, especially at the office.

What would motivate you to lose weight? At this point in my life, I have really only one thing that will motivate me to lose weight and here it is: Having a doctor tell me that my life will be unnaturally short if I do not get the pounds off. My personal physician has not told me that yet, and for being as big as I am, I am surprisingly healthy. I have normal blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar, etc. There are a few areas of concern that are starting to creep in though, especially the sleep apnea.

How much weight do you want to lose? I want to lose 170 pounds. I currently weigh 355, and by losing 170 pounds, I would be at my wrestling weight of 185. I felt strong, fast, and healthy at that weight. (I looked pretty damn good too!)

Describe your most embarrassing moment or experience. I don’t really get embarrassed that easily, but recently there have been a couple of situations where I have felt a tinge of embarrassment. First, I found out that my father in law has to straighten out the metal legs of the chair I sit in at their dining table because I bend them out whenever I sit in it. That is pretty embarrassing, and the worst part is that he doesn’t say anything about it, but I know he knows and it makes me feel bad.

What do you think would be the best thing about being thin? For me, the best thing about being thin will be reactions I will get from people. That seems so petty now that I see it in black and white, but I have to be honest, this would be the best part.

Do you have any bad habits you wish you could change? I have very bad eating habits. One of the most frustrating aspects of my struggle with food is that I have mountains of knowledge on how to eat well, detoxify my body, and become physically fit. I am convinced that I don’t act on this knowledge simply because the way I eat now is such an ingrained bad habit. Being on the ranch would go a long way towards solving that problem. I also have a habit of being physically inactive and that has to change as well. Another bad habit I have is keeping my emotions deep inside, especially regarding my marital relationship. I would like to change that. I think that I keep the emotions in because I am less vulnerable that way, and then I use food to comfort me instead of getting my feelings out.

What are you like in a room full of strangers? What types of people intimidate you? How do you react in these situations? It depends on my mood. I can be the life of the party or the wallflower that likes to sit back and watch events unfold. I like to get meaningful conversation going. People that intimidate me? Thin, athletic looking men who are successful in their careers, at least more successful than me tend to cause stressful feelings or get me flustered. I don’t think it is the money success that intimidates me; it is the thin/fat dynamic that gets to me. I sometimes think that normal weight people must look at me and see a lazy, slovenly glutton. Maybe that is what I am on the outside, but inside I don’t believe that. When I am in a situation like that, I usually make jokes at my expense and try to be the funny fat guy. I have lots of passion for current events, history, politics, religion and other topics that make for great conversation, and I try to get around the small talk.

How important is money to you? Of course, money is important to me as a homeowner and sole provider for my family. Everybody has to pay their bills, and winning the $250,000 for being the Biggest Loser would be wonderful. That being said, competing on the show for the purpose of winning the prize money would not be my main motivator. I think the opportunity to live on the ranch, get to know Bob and Jillian, and learn from them the skills and attitudes to change my health is worth 1000 times whatever prize money the network is offering. That’s a $250 million opportunity!!

How competitive are you? I am pretty competitive about things that I value. I do not have a win at all costs drive like Mark from Season 5, but I definitely give my best during a competition. I tend to base my competitiveness on personal goals and benchmarks and not against beating somebody at something.

How athletic are you? The funny thing is, for as fat as I am, I still am pretty athletic. I have a natural golf swing, and I can throw a ball pretty well. Wrestling moves from 25 years ago still find their way out on occasion when I am messing around with the kids, and I know that the old weight lifting form is still there. When I lost all the weight on Atkins, I started to jog on my treadmill and found that I could run pretty well at 265 pounds.

Quick update

2009-10-17T11:17:00.000-05:00

Saw my surgeon yesterday for the final pre-op appointmnent(thank the Lord) ,and everything is a go. There are only a few minor health issues that turned up, nothing that won't improve as I lose weight so I am very happy with that. Anyway, we talked for about 15 minutes about the procedure and what to expect, so now I am ready to go.

Oh, yeah, I also lost 7 more pounds between Wednesday and Friday. I almost fell off the scale when I saw that. I have lost 18 pounds already and I haven't even had the surgery yet. I feel pretty good about that and I know that I can develop the good habits necessary to change my lifestyle.

And now for something completely different

2009-10-15T12:16:00.002-05:00

Yes, I love Sarah Palin. Not her politics so much, just her.

One week down, one to go until surgery

2009-10-15T11:40:00.001-05:00

This has been an eventful week so far. Yesterday I went to St. Alexius Medical Center on Barrington Road in Hoffman Estates for pre-surgical tests. I had about a gallon of blood drawn for all manner of things, an EKG, chest X-rays, and an Upper GI. For those of you who have never had an upper GI done, I highly recommend it. First, they give you this Alka Seltzer like crap to drink that makes your stomach all gassy and bloated. I let out a couple of rip roaring belches at the end of it. Anyway, after the fizzy stuff, I had to chug down this swill called contrast. Basically a chalky substance that defines your stomach and small intestine more clearly in the X-ray. Yuck! Anyway, everything is normal and I am officially cleared for the surgery.

Yesterday at the factory I was down by the panning lines when I walked by the scale I first weighed myself on back in August. It is an industrial scale that goes up to 2000 pounds. We use it to weigh hoppers full of candy that were just made in the pan lines. This one is close to where we make Chewy Spree, Chewy Gobstoppers, and Shockers. Anyway, I hadn't weighed myself for a while there, and the last time I did the number showed 384. That is what I weighed at almost all of the doctor appointments I have had, so I am using that number as my accepted starting weight. So I decided to hop on the scale to see if I had made any progress while on the liquid diet.

Before I talk about the result, I want to say that the past week has been a real struggle mentally and physically. The first 2 days were very hard mentally and somewhat difficult from a hunger perspective. Today, I am doing much better mentally and my body feels terrific. I have been getting good nutrition for the last 7 days, and like always, the human body responds well to good nutrition.

I got over the caffeine withdrawal pretty easily, much easier than I had anticipated. The last few times I tried to kick the pop habit my head felt like a nail was jammed in my eyes. I think the difference this time is that I am getting lots of protein, vitamins and minerals, and hardly any sugar or refined, processed carbohydrates. I feel like I did when I was on Atkins. My appetite is reduced and I feel fine with just a small protein shake. The cold I have in my chest is even going away on its own, and my body is busy expressing all manner of junk from the lungs on its own. Usually I would need a trip to the doctor for an antibiotic. All of these signs tell me that I am getting healthier, which is the ultimate goal. Weight loss is a means to achieve that overall increase in health.

So I am standing there looking at the little panel that displays the weight of the object on the scale. For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about, here is a picture of a floor scale.

They are used in all sorts of industrial applications, and ours go up to 2000 pounds. Needless to say, I am embarrassed to have to use this piece of equipment to weigh my body. That should tell you a lot about how much weight I have gained over the years.

OK, now I am back to where I started. Standing at the scale. Nobody in sight(it is kind of tucked into a corner). Do I get on or wait for the doctors office??? Screw it, I want to know because I feel like I have lost weight. My pants are getting a bit loose, right? Ok, I go for it. I close my eyes, walk on to the scale and wait a moment for it to settle. Now I am standing there like an idiot with my eyes closed. I opened my eyes and saw..........................................373! F'n A! I lost 11 pounds in one week! Woohoo! I am very excited about that. Do you know the fist pump that Tiger Woods does when he makes a big putt? I actually did that when I was walking back to the office.

I am familiar enough with the Lapband process to know not to expect 11 pounds every week. I know a lot of that weight loss was due to water loss, but a lot was fat too. I am starting to see differences in my body, and I can move a bit easier now. I can tie my shoes a bit easier than I could last week, and I don't get as out of breath as I used to after climbing the stairs. I have a really long way to go, but I think this week I proved to myself that I can adjust my lifestyle and eating habits to maximize the benefit of the Lapband.

All of you out there praying for me, keep it up. God is moving very powerfully within me lately and I know a lot of that is due to your intercessions with the Lord on my behalf. I am profoundly humbled by your caring.

Until next time,

Scott

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

2009-10-11T12:52:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was my father in law's 70th birthday. It was also my first social event since I started the liquid diet 4 days ago. Cathy's mom had an open house style event, with people coming all throughout the day. It was a very nice time and I got to see a bunch of Cathy's cousins that I had not seen in a long time. It was good to see everybody. Cathy's sister, brother in law and niece were in town too from Wisconsin and we had a nice visit. There was a ton of food there, all of it exactly what I like. Italian beef sandwiches, sausage, pasta, meatballs, potatos, salad, spinach calzone, sweets and a giant cake. I did not eat one bit of it, and I actually did pretty good. I was not freaking out over the food. I had a couple of glasses of water with lime and then some chicken broth when everyone was eating.

Here is why it went so well.

Cathy and the kids went early to help set up the house. I followed about an hour later on my own. I was tooling down I-90 to Arlington Heights when I decided to change the radio station to K-Love. No reason, just felt an urge to listen to Christian music. I should have known that God had some work to do with me at that moment, but of course I was oblivious to what was going on.

The first song I hear is "Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns. They are one of my favorite bands and this is one of my favorite songs by them. I never really heard the words before, though. Yesterday, the Holy Spirit gave me revelation into myself through this song. These lyrics moved me to tears as I drove down the expressway.

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me

Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

As I am driving down the highway sobbing, I realized that the negative thoughts and emotions, all the anxiety and fear about this huge change in my lifestyle, are all the work of forces that want to keep me fat, unhealthy and sad. The thoughts I have had over the past few weeks that tell me I don't need to do this and that I will fail anyway are lying to me and are not Heaven sent. God was letting me know through this song that all I have to do to conquer them is to listen to Him, and I did. I am not afraid and now I know that God will use this weight loss for His glory and that is good enough for me.

Here is a link to this wonderful song. I hope that all of you find it as meaningful as I now do. God Bless

Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns

My new best friend

2009-10-10T10:16:00.000-05:00

I love this blender!! Just got it today and it makes killer shakes. Now I can introduce some variety into these things and make it a little easier.

Liquid diet still sucks, just not as much today

2009-10-09T19:24:00.000-05:00

Well, I am done with 3 days of the liquid diet and I am adjusting to the new routine. I still have monster cravings for all sorts of food, and I still feel like total shit, but at least the caffeine withdrawal headache is going away and I don't have a growling stomach for most of the day. That being said, I don't expect this journey to get much easier for quite some time. I get really tired at the end of the day, and on top of it all I am getting a chest cold. Maybe that is my body cleaning itself out??

I was just talking with Cathy about how I am doing, and I told her that I feel like I want to cry right now. I have to do this for the next 10 days until my surgery, then for an additional 2-3 weeks after the surgery. I don't know if I can make it that long. I had chicken broth for dinner tonight, and it was good. To taste something salty and hot was exciting.(boy, that sounds kind of dirty, LOL). Even though the broth was tasty, I can't help but come back to thoughts and desires for some kind of solid food. I am really missing real food. BAD. I want a Diet Pepsi. BAD. It's funny, but I would be satisfied with eating a half of a turkey sandwich. I wouldn't even need to pig out on crap. I think this experience so far has taught me about what I should be putting into my body.

I have even been thinking.. Fuck it, I will just go back on Atkins and lose the weight that way. Of course, that is not even a valid option. Cathy would have some major problems with me if I did that, and she would be right. My weight has been a serious issue within our marriage, and she has been really worried about my health over the last year. Backing out on the surgery now after all we have been through together to get to this point would be a kick in the teeth to her. The truth is, and I have a hard time admitting this, but I would eventually fall of the Atkins thing and gain all the weight back again. It's happened twice before, why would I expect a third time to be any different? Of course it wouldn't, and I would be telling my bride of 11 years and my two daughters that fast food and soda are more important to me than they are. The thing that scares me is I gave it serious thought. What kind of a shitty person am I to even think that way? Why do I place such importance on food? Do people of normal weight obsess like this? Will I ever be truly free of this?

First day of the liquid diet sucks!!

2009-10-07T18:07:00.001-05:00

This picture perfectly illustrates how I am feeling right now. Surgery is set for 2 weeks from today, and it cannot come soon enough. I am officially bouncing off the walls. I have had nothing to eat today except for some protein shakes. I physically am not hungry. My stomach is calm and feels pretty good. Mentally, I am STARVING and if I dont get something to eat right NOW I am going to kill somebody. This is amazing. I cannot believe this reaction. Today at work I had a very hard time concentrating, and I had to take frequent breaks to get my mind back on track to what I needed to do. Even with all that, I still did not get much done today.

It is really hitting me now, even as I write this, that I have some serious food issues that are going to need to be worked out. Food should just be a way to fuel the body, right? There are some times when it is OK to eat just for the sake of enjoying the food, but I am starting to realize that my history over the past 15 years has been too much focus on the enjoyment and not enough focus on the fueling. Why did I feel so anxious today? My body got nutrition to function, probably better nutrition than in a long while now that I think about it. Most likely my addiction to refined carbohydrates is going through detox. My body is jonesing for sugar, and making me nuts in the process. I know from past experience with the Atkins diet that in a couple of days I am going to feel great, and start to lose weight pretty easily. With Atkins though, I could chow on a 16 ounce steak and a giant salad and still lose weight. This is an altogether different situation. The physical act of eating solid food is so taken for granted. GOD I WANT SOME FOOD!!!!

The Lapband is going to force me to constantly think about what I am putting in my mouth, since my stomach is going to go from the size of a football to the size of a golf ball for a while. No longer will I be able to mindlessly shove food down my gullet at the computer, or eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's while watching TV after the kids go to bed. The band is going to make me pay a hard price for that kind of behavior.

Well, I am rambling now and Cathy is going to be home soon. We are off to Walmart to buy a blender so I can make a better shake. If I am going to do this, I need to try to make the best of it.

...and so it begins.

2009-10-07T11:44:00.001-05:00

Today I started the pre-op phase of surgery preparation. I am on a 14 day liquid diet meal replacement to help reduce my weight a bit before the surgery, and mostly to get my liver enzymes in a better position for the surgery.

Anyway, I made my first shake this morning when I got to work, and it was ok. Nothing like a Frosty from Wendy's, but it was not repulsive. I used milk and that made the shake better because I mixed another one at 9:30 this morning with water and I couldn't drink it. It was disgusting. I mixed up another one with milk and that was fine.

Now it is around noon and I am fricking starving. My brain is screaming "Wendys" at me over and over. I am having trouble concentrating on my work and I find myself always coming back to thoughts of food, real food, not the liquid stuff. Plus, I am getting a headache from the caffeine withdrawal and I really want a Diet Pepsi right now. I can see that i am going to need to develop some strategies to deal with these cravings.

The party is almost over

2009-10-04T13:37:00.000-05:00

I talked to the surgeons office on Friday and got a tentative date for surgery. I also learned that I have a fatty liver, which is fairly common amongst obese people. The surgeon would like to see the size of the liver decrease a bit before surgery, so I need to be on a meal replacement diet for at least 14 days prior to the actual surgery. I didn't think much of it until I looked at a calendar this morning. The week of the 19th is in 2 weeks (14 days)!!! Holy shit that means that I need to start this meal replacement in the next couple of days. That means this is really happening. I am not ready yet. I thought I had more time to get used to the idea of this radical new way of eating. It will be at least 6 weeks before I start to eat regular food again once I start the meal replacement regimen.

I thought I would have more time to get myself mentally ready for this. I am not ready yet. I just switched to caffeine free Diet Pepsi and thought I would have more time to ease into the NO SODA thing. Now it is here and I haven't done the work I thought I was going to do to get myself mentally prepared.

This is going to get very interesting very quickly.

Just because she is hot!

2009-10-04T12:57:00.004-05:00

Yeah, I have a weird fascination with Sarah Palin. Not crazy stalker, end up with someone from the FBI Behavioral Sciences Unit coming up with a profile on me weird, just a normal healthy red blooded American male fascination. Especially when she wears those red high heel shoes. Yeah Baby!

The addiction is fighting me today

2009-10-03T10:39:00.004-05:00

Today I have been plagued with thoughts that I don't need to have surgery. I can lose this weight without it, there is no need to make such a radical change, I don't have to give up soda and fast food and pizza and eating out and all that... yadda yadda yadda.

Interesting how the addiction talks to you when you are getting close to conquering it, isn't it? I DO need to make these changes, I CAN'T lose weight without the help of the Lapband (if I could, I would have already, right?) and I MUST give up fast food and pizza and soda if I want to have a decent level of health and wellness in my life. My bad habits and comfort zone are trying to keep me from breaking free.

I went through this 16 years ago with something I don't want to discuss online, but the dynamics are very similar to food addiction. I went through this when I quit smoking 5 years ago. I went through this when I quit chewing tobacco 5 years ago. I had the same thoughts and feelings and fears and worries and I came out on top, so I know I can do it again. Now, with the help of God and my wife and friends, I know I can achieve my goal. These two little girls are counting on me.

I have a surgery date.... kind of..

2009-10-02T16:42:00.001-05:00

Just talked to the doctor's office!!! all of my pre-surgical clearances have come in, and we have a green light for surgery scheduling.

Tentatively set for the week of October 19th. Not sure which day, they have to check the surgeon's schedule.

Wow, here we go!

My wife is trying to kill me

2009-09-29T20:46:00.001-05:00

She just played some bullshit video of Michael Jacksons ghost or some such nonsense. Well, the speakers were turned up and a friggin exorcist ghoul jumps out and screeches. I think I shat myself

Soda and why I love it....

2009-09-28T11:34:00.011-05:00

Light. Crisp. Refreshing. Indeed it is. But the damn doctors and dieticians are all telling me that one of the things I have to do is give up drinking soda. Diet Pepsi in particular. Caffeine is a stomach irritant and the carbonation wll stretch the smaller stomach pouch.

Not only that, but now I learn that scientists think that the aspartame sweetener can actually trick your pancreas into producing more insulin than necessary, effectively lowering your blood sugar. This produces food cravings, and if you are at all like me, these cravings revolve around sugar and carbs. WTF?!?!?! I thought diet was better? Bastards!

Anyway, this really sucks and is the first of many major changes I will be trying to make. I LOVE LOVE LOVE soda! Did I mention that I love soda? I love the taste. I love the fizzies. I love the way it gives you that "Ahh!" when you take a big long drink first thing in the morning.

How in the world am I going to manage that 1 hour commute in the morning without the trough of Diet Coke from McDonalds? (Even though it is not Diet Pepsi, McDonalds has the best damn fountain drinks!) For now, I am going to make the switch to caffeine free and try to replace 50% of the pop I drink with.... ugh, do I dare say it? Water!

Why We Fight...

2009-09-27T20:58:00.004-05:00

These three girls are why I am doing this. I love them all so much. Especially my wife Cathy, who is the best wife and mother any man could ask for. She deserves to have a healthy, energetic and good looking husband.

Where I am now

2009-09-27T16:48:00.000-05:00

This is me now. Heaviest ever in my life. 385 pounds. Good God what happened? Bad knees, back pain, sleep apnea. Thank God nothing worse (yet). I look happy here, don't I? It's all a lie. I am not happy now.

To get to where I want to be, I need to lose 185 pounds. That is my dad plus 10. (Sorry Dad!)

The Goal

2009-09-27T16:44:00.000-05:00

It is unbelievable to me right now that I used to be this thin. This picture was taken in June of 1984 at Great America the day after our Senior Prom. This is where I want to be again. At this point in my life, I felt extremely healthy, strong, and fit.

Where do I start?

2009-09-27T14:40:00.009-05:00

Interesting question. Where do I start? People who know me are well aware of my ever increasing weight. My wife, parents, and other family members have seen me get steadily fatter over the last 5 years, but this is not a short term problem.

I have been big my whole life. Back in 8th grade, I weighed 155 pounds and was soft and pudgy. Lots of sports in high school made me strong and lean, as did a growth spurt of 6 inches my freshman year. As a senior, I wrestled at 205 pounds and could bench press 300 pounds, plus run a mile in under 6 minutes. I was in great shape and looked terrific. Then came college.

I won't bore you all with the details, but suffice it to say that LOTS of beer and late night junk eating put 100 pounds on me by the time I graduated in 1989. Several attempts at weight loss followed over the next 20 years, with the end result being a net gain of another 75 pounds as I write today. Not a very good track record, dontcha think?

Today, I weigh 385 pounds. I knew I was in trouble when I had to start using the scales at the factory to get an accurate weight. The home scale I had been using just could not take my weight anymore. I have a goal of losing 185 pounds, and after much thought, tears, and a few dozen hours of therapy, I have decided to have Gastric Banding surgery.

Anyway, there is a lot more to talk about, but I will have to save that for future entries. I want to use this blog as not only a way for my family to keep up with my progess, but also as a form of therapy for me. Already I am having emotional reactions to things I am learning at the pre-surgical appointments. I will need to vent, cry, rant, preach, share, laugh etc. as I go through this process, and I hope that you all will come along for at least part of it.

Until next time...